Suicide... It's hard...

I'm not what I used to be. Well we all said that. But for me, the things I do now, is like a fucking nuisance. Living that is. Now you might think that I'm trying to kill myself here, but seriously, I tried that; have you ever tried drowning yourself, or tried to jump off the roof of a building? If you ever tried to do that, then you should know how that felt. It's freaking scary and hard!!!

I can't imagine how the hell people could even kill themselves. I can't. Because of that reason, I kept thinking and thinking... What kept me here? Well, I get depressed no doubt about it. Right, over thinking makes you want to kill yourself, wouldn't that be a fact? Kinda. So the whole process of the 'killing myself' incident was because I'm thinking too much, huh? Damn, that sucks.

Now that I'm trying to be stuck in this place doing nothing makes it even worse than it should. Yeah, I want to be in this shithole because there's nothing for me to give a fuck about. Hmm, when I think about that line reminds me how retarded I am right now. I could go get a job and live my days with happy simple life. But my mindset is so fucked up that I didn't even want to go eat outside; yeap, I'm being a shut-in. Fucking far away from the society.

Isn't there anything that can make me back to what it used to? Should I go see a psychiatrist? Is the life I'm running is too much for me to handle? Well maybe... Ugh, I'm out. For now.

My Punisher - Scarlet Blade

 Years has gone by,
Living in a hell of wars,
For what left is to deny,
The only thing that I longed for;
You, arkana, my lovely rose of sincere,
Punish me for what’s left in this world,
Be it harsh, brutal or worse,
Even Narak couldn’t make me twirl;
Turned me upside down,
Give me everything that’s true,
For I am no one,
Except the one that would love you;
Eternity we shall be,
With our guns we’ll sore through anything,
Kill them my dearest bee,
Sting them hard, we’ll be King and Queen.

P/s - Something I made for a Valentine event in Scarlet Blade forum. Not that it matters, I just want to try something... off the usual me awhile. Entering events is quite fun really. If it's in digital. Well, not so different in reality as well. (Don't judge me!) XD

To Lena – My Adventure Guide

I swayed and lost within doubts,

Whether I should tell you,

The feelings kept within my thoughts;

Tell me that it is true,

Tell me we share the same feelings,

For I have fallen fond of you;

You gave me your blessings,

Each time I went to war,

With a victory, as well you did promise;

Fortunate that this could be,

For you are my savior,

To a warrior that kills endlessly;

How I wish that we could go elsewhere,

Together caring, only the two of us,

But life is too cruel for us to bear;

Your life, your blessings,

Will keep me going till it is done,

To see you again, is all that I wish;

So, Lena my sweetheart,

Would you stay here with me today,

And be my Valentine love?

P/s - This was supposed to be my entry to an MMO event at Aeria Games but hell, I was too late. Well, no worries, got other events coming up. Yes, I can't say I live my life to the fullest, but the digital world are not that harsh like the reality are, except I live in one. =.=

Doubt...

Lost, endlessly dwells into oblivion,

Darkness, covers the horizon,

Cold, beneath this flesh it cuts,

Hope, dimmed as there's none.

For the 3rd time this week, I have a freaking huge doubt on what am I doing here right now. Where the fuck does this route will take me? I can't see shit! I'm starting to feel afraid. I even don't have that motivational striving that I had before. Fuck is wrong with me huh? Follow the flow? I don't care about that shit anymore. I just can't stand the thinking of having shit all over me one day. (well, that would be disgusting). I'm guessing that I'm already lost somewhere, looking for something. I'm trying, but how much can this weak of a person can handle so much? A unmotivated guy like me, how would that end up?

Yes, I have things to do, like playing games, creating artworks, collecting things, and of course, studying. Well, the fact is I neglect the later part. Yes, I can't concentrate because I'm too afraid to just go around and to find out what my future holds! Isn't that fucked up?! I'm like a freaking paranoid guy? Am I? Am I thinking too much? Then, what a thinker supposed to do than think about shit that happens to his life, other than thinking about it... I just cannot stop thinking. I guess that's why I had a lot of migraine lately. Hmm. This is getting nowhere. Well, this will be my first real update then after a long silence. Goodnight folks. I hope tomorrow or whenever, I'll be up to par with the usual me. Later :(

I 'Revived'

Well, first of all, yes I did not post anything for several months! Well maybe more... Like you all care anyway so, what have I been doing all this time? Well truthfully, instead of rambling here, I did all my ramblings on my Facebook page. Wow, it really does looked like a diary now. I'm just neglecting all the blogging stuff just to get my head on a straight line again. People tend to do some shitty things when comes to their emotional. And my life ain't so far from that area as well. But I'm not gonna promise you that I'll write as often I do like the previous years. Well, you can see that I'm not that enthusiastic when writing on this blog but surely, I will update it as much as I can. And again, like you all care for a guy who just rambles and give some meaningless writings and poetry(to some maybe). But I guess this is just how this world works. People forget, and so such shit as repeating the history will be a common daily activities. Sorry... But it's kinda true if you're still wondering. Well later.

Empty – Guilty Crown PV

I am afraid, afraid of losing you,

so I tried, with my hands to protect you,

but the void between us is endless,

as my hands couldn’t reach your faith;

Alas my heart turns hollow, upon seeing you’ve gone,

taken while your tears shed, this blank paper of mine,

I dreamt and kept hearing your voice of songs,

as I’m searching with this devoid curse upon time;

All was gone but here left this single memento,

a memory when our hearts joined before the oblivion,

whilst I keep going, as these vacuous feelings grow,

for the truth of your heart, which lies barren;

Done to be regret, there you were staged before me,

by a persona, that bears infinite greed upon us,

lust were sprouted, devastated with denial and lies,

for we are none, believing that this would last;

As our dream burned down falling to the abyss,

we hold each other promising, letting our tears fall,

yet, here I am waiting, as empty as can be,

for you, my long love of my life.

Freed…

Within My Heart (4)

Once I was told, that the roses are red, and violets are blue, so much life wasted, to found nothing under those that were true. A poem which I find intrigued, as it found no answer except feeling of remorse. But why are these roses are coloured in blue, and why does these violets I see is red? As the colour drips down colouring the white pavement, I sigh. So I see, roses are blue, and violets are red, so much I believe if it's true, as so much blood spilled upon this flowers that bled. A sinister impression, but all was a dream that were to be just hallucinations. It kills for blood upon the shattered coloured flowers. For nothing was to be gain, as left was only animosity towards the live's that we lead.

Freed’s Heart... 

Within My Heart (3)

I was at fault, but you said it doesn't matter. Because you're the one that was falling. What else could I've done, but only grabbed your faith before the oblivion. But no matter how much I tried, I can't pull you up. I was deeply apologetic, but you just smile and loosen up. Why I said, as your's slipping, holding you as I might. You said I've done all I could, so there's no more to be done. You want to see the end of the bargain, so you sacrifice your life for your trust. I was the one to blame but you're the one who pays for it. You were falling and I was pinned. You were smiling and I was crying.

Freed’s Heart...

Within My Heart (2)...

I have used up all my energy. I barely can move all my fingers right now. I’m down on my knees, looking at my fellow friends’ flesh being cut off. Where am I? What I’m doing here? I looked down and saw both of my legs were pierced by two arrows. Such agony how it felt, but what am I to do as all I did was sitting there with tears. Clang! A broad sword falls beside me. Who is it? While suddenly I realize it was him; the dark lord. He grabbed my head with his arm. Lift my head up so that he can see me clearly. Those eyes; those cold dark eyes. I barely noticed it, the smile on that face. A smile that knows no sympathy. Abomination as what were other people said. But there I was looking with nothing but disgusted as he tore my heart out. The blood was warm to the touch. But all what’s left of the body was just cold. My hands sheaved and weaved. As such a simple life that was. And such a simple death that was. Why this does seemed so pointless? A soul for another, that’s what they said. How unfortunate that is to live such a short life.

Freed’s Heart…

A Thought...

A person’s heart is unpredictable when it comes to feelings. It becomes predictable when you show it out of its shell. This is the words from a loon. Say it’s not a loon but just some guy with a dark past. He walked past me and mumbles some words, by then he tripped beside me as I walked the opposite. Such fate was to be earned in such unpredictable manner, and so I helped him stand just so that I feel good to care. Out of curiosity he said, why did I ever help him whereas no other soul would reach out for him? I didn’t answer him and he gave me these words. It was awkward but all seems well. He stood and walked away and mumbles more words. Am I that predictable to start with or just that I’m too scared to open up my feelings. This is something I must find out soon, as my age doesn’t counts to be younger than now.

Freed

Within My Heart...

I woke up with a bit of sweat on my forehead, realizing it was dark around me. It took me long to adjust my view, that I was in a dark room with no windows. A foul smell flew through my nostrils where I find it disgusted and wrenched. Like Death itself was present beside me within the void. There I lay myself upon a wet floor that burns my skin. I felt a chill down my spine as I tried to sit. But my body aches as if all my bones were all broken. Or it may even been shattered. With all my might I lift up my head, and then my chest to a sitting view. The world spins, as I raise my head.  Thousand of swords pierced my weak body. I grit my teeth, and hold my voice within. My lungs drew heavy breath upon the hollow black void. 

Freed’s Heart...

Now and Then, Here and There...

I let you be under the bright stars, now and then, we sit side-by-side, watching the skies denying that this moment will soon end. Hope for the best is only a dream, while cruelty was only the choice of our kin. Much more it comes to the sign of our death, here and there, we collide each one of our cells to be bonded by lust. Nothing is true, where else all are forgotten, by the memoirs of evil; we pledged that all is forbidden. So I look into your eyes, escaping the truth behind my past, following what hopes you wanted, by your hands I shall dispersed. But you flee, so that I could see, the lies of this curse, foretold that it would be fit by our prophecy. I cried endless pain, as you’ve gone towards the darkness, left me here unwinding, the memories that shrouded my mind. I beg for your return, but the path would only led me astray, walking right after you, where all lies are bared opened. One by one, the past turned, away from your mind, as so your memories of me. Embraced by the song of sorrows, all the tears turned dark, to form a soothing river, where to found your body lied still. There I am, holding your lifeless body, lies beside me a blade, which bears no name. The howling of a man, isn’t as hard as it sounds, grieves turned hollow, as sorrows pierce the heart. A tale to be heard, where now are many and then is but one, as here we are and where there is none.

Freed

Words...

On V-Day (Single Awareness Day)

S.A.D.

as today I am alone again,

on the day that be spelled as V,

a virtue which is not that I aim.

I’ve searched and waited for you,

an angel for me to fall with,

but here I am looking up to the moon,

talking to it with my feelings beneath.

It was always like this,

torn between the shreds of tears,

and gain nothing as my heart sheaves,

for love which we knew it shears.

And as empty as hollow it should be,

where my love is like a child,

waiting to be held and breath,

by the thread that help me fly.

So here I am waiting,

as aware as a single can be,

watching them smiles in between,

holding this heart for which I see;

my angel to be.

Freed

A Black Rose

I walked pass a thousand flesh,

Lifeless body on a terrain of death,

But there it stood, a flower that crude,

Upon a shattered man that bears no truth.

A flower so dark, shines befall the moon,

Silvery black petals and so it blooms,

A distant echoes running through the veins,

 So shallow that the flower sang.

A melody that seems so grim,

Dragging me towards it as if I was limbed,

My heart trembles as the sound goes near,

For as long as the blood drips, all it sheaves is fear.

Then I returned as such abomination was sent,

Back to my home where my lies were tend,

There you were sitting, reminiscing the past,

For that person you hid, with your lust.

So we touched, as we are but one,

But you left me, for all the damned that was done,

So, I plucked this dark flower from the dead,

With it cries, hoped that this would be ended.

But it’s fortunate to say I’m sorry,

Because I only could give you is this my love,

A black rose for your black heart,

In debt by Death, as misery is always what you are.

Freed

A Reason

Our Curse

Creatures of the Night

Blackness,

covered the eyes,

darkness,

filled the skies,

critters crawling underneath,

shadows splits,

windy mist sang their song,

the dead awaken,

stand on their stones,

the soil shaken,

intimidated by the souls,

hunters lurking,

sang their lovely sorrows,

breeds howling,

kneeled with their shattered jaw,

by the wings of lust,

shall the blood burns as a victim,

with twisted eyes,

all shall be turn to bits.

Preys hiding,

scared by the everlasting curse,

all praying,

to see the light once again,

waiting,

till the darkness gone,

but all is wrong,

thought of having the chance,

but the song dragged them,

rivers of blood,

dare to be sucked,

all gone.

Darkness sang for the triumph,

break of laughter,

as it gets colder,

let there be no mercy,

for whom they be,

because none shall fight,

the creatures of the night.

Freed

The Sea of Black Tears

Some said it’s hollow,

But all I see is darkness,

From the lines to the shore,

Nothing but numbness.

The tears of Death they said,

Keeping the souls of the dead,

But temptation crosses,

As so my faith forever lost.

All does rhymes,

But the truth always intertwined,

They’re the same,

For left was just being shamed.

You asked for changes,

But you’d change restlessly,

And so I stayed careless,

Because your tears meant nothing.

Why my dear,

As so you cried thousand dark tears,

Which they believe a curse,

But all I see is thirst.

Until now, here it becomes,

Both stranded on an island,

Holding together in arms,

 Upon the sea of your black tears.

Freed

Desire

Why am I still here?

Why do the wicked still near?

Should I not gain my will?

And what does to want desire feel?

A simple word of pain,

But where is it stands a friend,

For as long as I breathe,

How much should trouble be sheath?

As a lover it said,

Till Death do us bedded,

But one stays forgotten,

And one stays fortunate, as rotten;

Likewise desires were damned cold,

Should I believe for it was to be told,

My heart won’t freeze to frost,

As I desired you the most.

Freed