Suicide... It's hard...

I'm not what I used to be. Well we all said that. But for me, the things I do now, is like a fucking nuisance. Living that is. Now you might think that I'm trying to kill myself here, but seriously, I tried that; have you ever tried drowning yourself, or tried to jump off the roof of a building? If you ever tried to do that, then you should know how that felt. It's freaking scary and hard!!!

I can't imagine how the hell people could even kill themselves. I can't. Because of that reason, I kept thinking and thinking... What kept me here? Well, I get depressed no doubt about it. Right, over thinking makes you want to kill yourself, wouldn't that be a fact? Kinda. So the whole process of the 'killing myself' incident was because I'm thinking too much, huh? Damn, that sucks.

Now that I'm trying to be stuck in this place doing nothing makes it even worse than it should. Yeah, I want to be in this shithole because there's nothing for me to give a fuck about. Hmm, when I think about that line reminds me how retarded I am right now. I could go get a job and live my days with happy simple life. But my mindset is so fucked up that I didn't even want to go eat outside; yeap, I'm being a shut-in. Fucking far away from the society.

Isn't there anything that can make me back to what it used to? Should I go see a psychiatrist? Is the life I'm running is too much for me to handle? Well maybe... Ugh, I'm out. For now.

Doubt...

Lost, endlessly dwells into oblivion,

Darkness, covers the horizon,

Cold, beneath this flesh it cuts,

Hope, dimmed as there's none.

For the 3rd time this week, I have a freaking huge doubt on what am I doing here right now. Where the fuck does this route will take me? I can't see shit! I'm starting to feel afraid. I even don't have that motivational striving that I had before. Fuck is wrong with me huh? Follow the flow? I don't care about that shit anymore. I just can't stand the thinking of having shit all over me one day. (well, that would be disgusting). I'm guessing that I'm already lost somewhere, looking for something. I'm trying, but how much can this weak of a person can handle so much? A unmotivated guy like me, how would that end up?

Yes, I have things to do, like playing games, creating artworks, collecting things, and of course, studying. Well, the fact is I neglect the later part. Yes, I can't concentrate because I'm too afraid to just go around and to find out what my future holds! Isn't that fucked up?! I'm like a freaking paranoid guy? Am I? Am I thinking too much? Then, what a thinker supposed to do than think about shit that happens to his life, other than thinking about it... I just cannot stop thinking. I guess that's why I had a lot of migraine lately. Hmm. This is getting nowhere. Well, this will be my first real update then after a long silence. Goodnight folks. I hope tomorrow or whenever, I'll be up to par with the usual me. Later :(

I 'Revived'

Well, first of all, yes I did not post anything for several months! Well maybe more... Like you all care anyway so, what have I been doing all this time? Well truthfully, instead of rambling here, I did all my ramblings on my Facebook page. Wow, it really does looked like a diary now. I'm just neglecting all the blogging stuff just to get my head on a straight line again. People tend to do some shitty things when comes to their emotional. And my life ain't so far from that area as well. But I'm not gonna promise you that I'll write as often I do like the previous years. Well, you can see that I'm not that enthusiastic when writing on this blog but surely, I will update it as much as I can. And again, like you all care for a guy who just rambles and give some meaningless writings and poetry(to some maybe). But I guess this is just how this world works. People forget, and so such shit as repeating the history will be a common daily activities. Sorry... But it's kinda true if you're still wondering. Well later.

Within My Heart (4)

Once I was told, that the roses are red, and violets are blue, so much life wasted, to found nothing under those that were true. A poem which I find intrigued, as it found no answer except feeling of remorse. But why are these roses are coloured in blue, and why does these violets I see is red? As the colour drips down colouring the white pavement, I sigh. So I see, roses are blue, and violets are red, so much I believe if it's true, as so much blood spilled upon this flowers that bled. A sinister impression, but all was a dream that were to be just hallucinations. It kills for blood upon the shattered coloured flowers. For nothing was to be gain, as left was only animosity towards the live's that we lead.

Freed’s Heart... 

Within My Heart (3)

I was at fault, but you said it doesn't matter. Because you're the one that was falling. What else could I've done, but only grabbed your faith before the oblivion. But no matter how much I tried, I can't pull you up. I was deeply apologetic, but you just smile and loosen up. Why I said, as your's slipping, holding you as I might. You said I've done all I could, so there's no more to be done. You want to see the end of the bargain, so you sacrifice your life for your trust. I was the one to blame but you're the one who pays for it. You were falling and I was pinned. You were smiling and I was crying.

Freed’s Heart...

Within My Heart (2)...

I have used up all my energy. I barely can move all my fingers right now. I’m down on my knees, looking at my fellow friends’ flesh being cut off. Where am I? What I’m doing here? I looked down and saw both of my legs were pierced by two arrows. Such agony how it felt, but what am I to do as all I did was sitting there with tears. Clang! A broad sword falls beside me. Who is it? While suddenly I realize it was him; the dark lord. He grabbed my head with his arm. Lift my head up so that he can see me clearly. Those eyes; those cold dark eyes. I barely noticed it, the smile on that face. A smile that knows no sympathy. Abomination as what were other people said. But there I was looking with nothing but disgusted as he tore my heart out. The blood was warm to the touch. But all what’s left of the body was just cold. My hands sheaved and weaved. As such a simple life that was. And such a simple death that was. Why this does seemed so pointless? A soul for another, that’s what they said. How unfortunate that is to live such a short life.

Freed’s Heart…

A Thought...

A person’s heart is unpredictable when it comes to feelings. It becomes predictable when you show it out of its shell. This is the words from a loon. Say it’s not a loon but just some guy with a dark past. He walked past me and mumbles some words, by then he tripped beside me as I walked the opposite. Such fate was to be earned in such unpredictable manner, and so I helped him stand just so that I feel good to care. Out of curiosity he said, why did I ever help him whereas no other soul would reach out for him? I didn’t answer him and he gave me these words. It was awkward but all seems well. He stood and walked away and mumbles more words. Am I that predictable to start with or just that I’m too scared to open up my feelings. This is something I must find out soon, as my age doesn’t counts to be younger than now.

Freed

Within My Heart...

I woke up with a bit of sweat on my forehead, realizing it was dark around me. It took me long to adjust my view, that I was in a dark room with no windows. A foul smell flew through my nostrils where I find it disgusted and wrenched. Like Death itself was present beside me within the void. There I lay myself upon a wet floor that burns my skin. I felt a chill down my spine as I tried to sit. But my body aches as if all my bones were all broken. Or it may even been shattered. With all my might I lift up my head, and then my chest to a sitting view. The world spins, as I raise my head.  Thousand of swords pierced my weak body. I grit my teeth, and hold my voice within. My lungs drew heavy breath upon the hollow black void. 

Freed’s Heart...

Someone else?

You know, I’ve been thinking lately, what it’s like to be someone else. I mean, in this world, you could become anyone, and I mean anyone!!! You do believe that don’t you? You could be a musician, artist, sportsman, cats, dogs, Chinese, Englishman, a tree, a rock star, a porn star, or whatever star it leaves, successful pioneers and blah blah blah… That is the side view of lists of jobs in this world (or something)… What about from an attitude perspective? You could be a moron, a selfish guy, a dumbass, a dick, a pussy, acting-rich guy wannabe (well, in a matter of speaking) and so on (the good ones, I put the ugly ones because I’m a bad boy)… not entirely though because I’m a wannabe, or am I?

Changes?

I could not but wonder, what is the mean to face changes? What are changes anyway? Well, change something into something right? Common. And I’d say, I’m stupid. Can I change that? Who knows? It’s up to the people around me right? Or is it ourselves (I mean myself)?

I was a timid kid when the last time my old friends saw me. Like 10 years ago. And now, I get to shut their fucking mouth for I’m being more successful than them (means, have more experience?). Or am I? Well, no because I still have a long way to go and so are they. Events change me to be the ‘me’ right now. People, places, society, the environment, the food, the cultures… they changed me. And the people around me face changes as well (like you!).

Lying and to be Lied at…

The title said it all… one is bad and one is shit… They’re both are from the same word. Lie. Which in my field of knowledge, it’s the one that keep feeding someone or something to bullshits. To shorten it up, it’s bullshit.

So why do we lie and what would we gain from these things called lying? Well, we all know what it’s for, but shits won’t do until we realize what really this lies is.

Tests and Exams...

We all had our tests and exams both in school, college, universities and of course in each our life. Tests are the kind of things that help us prepare for the exams, which in my dictionary, kind of like hell. And the thorns will help us face against this hell, which is not a good example.