Suicide... It's hard...

I'm not what I used to be. Well we all said that. But for me, the things I do now, is like a fucking nuisance. Living that is. Now you might think that I'm trying to kill myself here, but seriously, I tried that; have you ever tried drowning yourself, or tried to jump off the roof of a building? If you ever tried to do that, then you should know how that felt. It's freaking scary and hard!!!

I can't imagine how the hell people could even kill themselves. I can't. Because of that reason, I kept thinking and thinking... What kept me here? Well, I get depressed no doubt about it. Right, over thinking makes you want to kill yourself, wouldn't that be a fact? Kinda. So the whole process of the 'killing myself' incident was because I'm thinking too much, huh? Damn, that sucks.

Now that I'm trying to be stuck in this place doing nothing makes it even worse than it should. Yeah, I want to be in this shithole because there's nothing for me to give a fuck about. Hmm, when I think about that line reminds me how retarded I am right now. I could go get a job and live my days with happy simple life. But my mindset is so fucked up that I didn't even want to go eat outside; yeap, I'm being a shut-in. Fucking far away from the society.

Isn't there anything that can make me back to what it used to? Should I go see a psychiatrist? Is the life I'm running is too much for me to handle? Well maybe... Ugh, I'm out. For now.

My Punisher - Scarlet Blade

 Years has gone by,
Living in a hell of wars,
For what left is to deny,
The only thing that I longed for;
You, arkana, my lovely rose of sincere,
Punish me for what’s left in this world,
Be it harsh, brutal or worse,
Even Narak couldn’t make me twirl;
Turned me upside down,
Give me everything that’s true,
For I am no one,
Except the one that would love you;
Eternity we shall be,
With our guns we’ll sore through anything,
Kill them my dearest bee,
Sting them hard, we’ll be King and Queen.

P/s - Something I made for a Valentine event in Scarlet Blade forum. Not that it matters, I just want to try something... off the usual me awhile. Entering events is quite fun really. If it's in digital. Well, not so different in reality as well. (Don't judge me!) XD

To Lena – My Adventure Guide

I swayed and lost within doubts,

Whether I should tell you,

The feelings kept within my thoughts;

Tell me that it is true,

Tell me we share the same feelings,

For I have fallen fond of you;

You gave me your blessings,

Each time I went to war,

With a victory, as well you did promise;

Fortunate that this could be,

For you are my savior,

To a warrior that kills endlessly;

How I wish that we could go elsewhere,

Together caring, only the two of us,

But life is too cruel for us to bear;

Your life, your blessings,

Will keep me going till it is done,

To see you again, is all that I wish;

So, Lena my sweetheart,

Would you stay here with me today,

And be my Valentine love?

P/s - This was supposed to be my entry to an MMO event at Aeria Games but hell, I was too late. Well, no worries, got other events coming up. Yes, I can't say I live my life to the fullest, but the digital world are not that harsh like the reality are, except I live in one. =.=

Doubt...

Lost, endlessly dwells into oblivion,

Darkness, covers the horizon,

Cold, beneath this flesh it cuts,

Hope, dimmed as there's none.

For the 3rd time this week, I have a freaking huge doubt on what am I doing here right now. Where the fuck does this route will take me? I can't see shit! I'm starting to feel afraid. I even don't have that motivational striving that I had before. Fuck is wrong with me huh? Follow the flow? I don't care about that shit anymore. I just can't stand the thinking of having shit all over me one day. (well, that would be disgusting). I'm guessing that I'm already lost somewhere, looking for something. I'm trying, but how much can this weak of a person can handle so much? A unmotivated guy like me, how would that end up?

Yes, I have things to do, like playing games, creating artworks, collecting things, and of course, studying. Well, the fact is I neglect the later part. Yes, I can't concentrate because I'm too afraid to just go around and to find out what my future holds! Isn't that fucked up?! I'm like a freaking paranoid guy? Am I? Am I thinking too much? Then, what a thinker supposed to do than think about shit that happens to his life, other than thinking about it... I just cannot stop thinking. I guess that's why I had a lot of migraine lately. Hmm. This is getting nowhere. Well, this will be my first real update then after a long silence. Goodnight folks. I hope tomorrow or whenever, I'll be up to par with the usual me. Later :(

I 'Revived'

Well, first of all, yes I did not post anything for several months! Well maybe more... Like you all care anyway so, what have I been doing all this time? Well truthfully, instead of rambling here, I did all my ramblings on my Facebook page. Wow, it really does looked like a diary now. I'm just neglecting all the blogging stuff just to get my head on a straight line again. People tend to do some shitty things when comes to their emotional. And my life ain't so far from that area as well. But I'm not gonna promise you that I'll write as often I do like the previous years. Well, you can see that I'm not that enthusiastic when writing on this blog but surely, I will update it as much as I can. And again, like you all care for a guy who just rambles and give some meaningless writings and poetry(to some maybe). But I guess this is just how this world works. People forget, and so such shit as repeating the history will be a common daily activities. Sorry... But it's kinda true if you're still wondering. Well later.

Empty – Guilty Crown PV

I am afraid, afraid of losing you,

so I tried, with my hands to protect you,

but the void between us is endless,

as my hands couldn’t reach your faith;

Alas my heart turns hollow, upon seeing you’ve gone,

taken while your tears shed, this blank paper of mine,

I dreamt and kept hearing your voice of songs,

as I’m searching with this devoid curse upon time;

All was gone but here left this single memento,

a memory when our hearts joined before the oblivion,

whilst I keep going, as these vacuous feelings grow,

for the truth of your heart, which lies barren;

Done to be regret, there you were staged before me,

by a persona, that bears infinite greed upon us,

lust were sprouted, devastated with denial and lies,

for we are none, believing that this would last;

As our dream burned down falling to the abyss,

we hold each other promising, letting our tears fall,

yet, here I am waiting, as empty as can be,

for you, my long love of my life.

Freed…

Within My Heart (4)

Once I was told, that the roses are red, and violets are blue, so much life wasted, to found nothing under those that were true. A poem which I find intrigued, as it found no answer except feeling of remorse. But why are these roses are coloured in blue, and why does these violets I see is red? As the colour drips down colouring the white pavement, I sigh. So I see, roses are blue, and violets are red, so much I believe if it's true, as so much blood spilled upon this flowers that bled. A sinister impression, but all was a dream that were to be just hallucinations. It kills for blood upon the shattered coloured flowers. For nothing was to be gain, as left was only animosity towards the live's that we lead.

Freed’s Heart...